Oh dear lord, please cleanse my heart of anger and resentment. I know that Divine Will is unknowable to man, but still I wonder how could that putz Al Gore win the Nobel Peace Prize when I did not? You remember how much I coveted that honor. You know how I pressed so hard for peace between Israel and the Palestinians in the waning days of my presidency.

It’s just so wrong! That scruffy bastard Arafat already had his Nobel, so what did he care? I mean we squeezed Ehud Barak to give Araft 90 percent of what he demanded. And he still walked! You call that peace making? I even sent Maddy Albright chasing after him to his car, begging him to come back and negotiate. Maybe I shoulda sent the Village People, if you believe the rumors.

So what does Gore do? He turns a slideshow into a movie, gets smooched by Hollywood, flies around├é┬ámaking speeches (snorrrrre) and that’s making peace? Christ!

Humbly yours,

Bill Clinton