Maggie’s Farm:

The extent to which the habit of gum-chewing, Betel-nut chewing, and tobaccy-chawing contributes to the growth of tooth lice is under appreciated in America, where so many have replaced their sophisticated, adult smoking habit with the childlike habit of Nicorette gum-chewing, according to dental researchers.

Medical experts have termed the tooth louse explosion a crisis in dental hygiene, and have been urging more government attention to it. Very few people have oral habitats which are entirely free of these primitive parasites.

The medical fact is that chewing gum and eating meat causes chronic damage to the periodontium integumentium, which is the area in which tooth lice dine on stuck particles of your ham and cheese sandwich. The damage causes the lice to grow and reproduce more quickly because they obtain necessary iron from the blood which oozes from the damaged gum tissues. Diligent tooth-brushing causes similar damage to the integumentium, which is why progressive naturopaths and chiropractic dentists advise against regular tooth-brushing.

Researchers are exploring a possible connection of the surge in tooth lice to globalistical warmening, and public health academics and the UN’s well-respected Tooth Louse Task Force have reached a consensus that only national, single payer government-controlled medical care can adequately deal with the crisis. “People cannot be trusted with their own oral hygiene,” said Safiendrana Chavez-Gupta, Chairperson of the UN task force in today’s speech to note International Louse Day. “Government is needed not just to control what comes out of peoples’ mouths, but what lives in them.”

However, PETA and the WWF have attacked these efforts, which they term “Lousy Genocide,” to destroy the harmless creatures and their habitats.

The tiny creatures are difficult to see without a magnifying glass, and are difficult to dislodge with a toothbrush. Being nocturnal, their habit is to scurry to the back side of their home tooth when exposed to light, so they are not usually observed when tooth-brushing or speaking. Listerene seems to stimulate their reproductive activity, according to preliminary studies. Either nighttime use of Oral Louse Traps or gargling with garden insecticides seems effective at controlling an infestation, and both are readily available at CVS or your local hardware store.

However, try nothing yourself before discussing with your dentist. Tooth Lice are not a laughing matter.