bold predictions for 2006

by Jim Bass

Some things we all know about the coming year: a poor soul in Nigeria will require our help, our PayPal accounts will be on the verge of being shut down and the New York Times will further degrade.

Here are the bold predictions:

1. GRATE AMERICAN
A caller to Sean Hannity's radio program will call him a "great American" and Hannity will reply "you're a great American." Millions of Americans will suffer a wave of nausea. A minor scandal will erupt after an Al Franken-Air America investigation determines that the caller was in fact, merely a good American.

2. EYE BALLS GO AIRBORN
During a news conference, Nancy Pelosi's eyeballs will completely leave their sockets, much like Jim Carrey's in The Mask. It will also be revealed that the author of recent Democrat slogans such as "arrogant abuse of power" and "culture of corruption" moonlights from his full-time job writing fortune cookies.

3. "MENOPLAY" DEBUTS
After years in the laboratory, the long awaited female Viagra (developed under the code name "Hot Pants") will become available. A splashy Superbowl commercial will feature before and after moments: an annoyed wife with a "get lost" grimace that morphs into a randy come-hither. The tagline: "Turn MenoPause into MenoPlay." Sales of Viagra and Cialis go through the roof.

4. BRAT TAX GOES INTO EFFECT
Everyone knows brats are painful to be around. But new studies showing that brats, when grown, generate massive social costs (increased criminality, incessant whining and demands for public services) lead to a nation-wide movement for a brat tax. With "Make Perp Parents Pay" as their campaign slogan, advocates of the new tax garner bipartisan support. Millions of supermarket checkers and waiters are deputized as enforcers.

5. SPORTS FANS CELEBRATE THE "DE-BLABBERIZER"
A device that hooks up to equipped TiVo units and cable boxes uses waveform recognition technology to filter out annoying sportscasters from broadcasts. Sports fans jump at the chance to download filters for such notorious blabbers as Bill Walton, Dan Dierdorf and Brent Musberger. The nuclear option eliminates "color commentators" completely.

6. MALLS GET FAST LANES
In a desperate attempt to draw male shoppers back to shopping malls, owners will institute striped pedestrian lanes, like on highways. Dawdling, gawking shoppers will be segregated from brisk walking, point-to-point shoppers. "Men are used to point and click Internet shopping," said Mike Glick of RDL Properties. "They become frustrated by pokey women walking four abreast, especially when they're a wide load." For further appeal, users of the fast lane will be allowed to "hockey check" dawdlers who drift into the fast lane.

7. THIN THE HERD HIT LIST
The paranoid left will circulate rumors that President Bush plans to solve the impending Social Security disaster by selectively eliminating vast numbers of Baby Boomers. Bush's secret hit list will be leaked to the Daily Kos and will echo within the fringe for several months before Howard Dean lends the conspiracy theory credence with a slip of his tongue. Millions of suggestions for the list will be emailed anonymously to the White House.

8. EVERYTHING BAD BECOMES GOOD
Every food or chemical that was bad for you in 2005 will be found beneficial in 2006. Once again, the diet industry will suppress the secret to weight loss (eat less, move around more) in order to sell hope to hopeful suckers.

9. FOX LAUNCHES MISSING WHITE GIRL CHANNEL
After determining there was insufficent air time to adequately cover the disappearance of Nattalee Holloway in Aruba on Fox News Channel, Rupert Murdoch will launch a 24/7 "Missing (White) Girl Channel." Ratings among Alzheimers patients will soar.

10. MEL BROOKS DEBUTS "THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS"
Not content to repurpose the same concept three times, Brooks brings a gloomy, serious drama to Broadway. The story hinges on a Willie Loman-like writer (with nothing more than a "high concept and a smile") who turns a cult movie into a blockbuster Broadway musical and back into a lame movie.

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