It’s a battle of pop culture titans as two empires — one high-tech, one high-rise — clash in explosive PR fury. Since these two heavyweight memes have climbed into the competitive media ring of their own volition, we thought we’d size them up for you. As Stephen Colbert would say: “Pick a side — we’re at war!”

iPhone: Simple to use.
Paris Hilton: Simple.

iPhone: Well-protected against viruses.
Paris Hilton: Has herpes.

iPhone: Critics complained battery life too short.
Paris Hilton: Critics complained prison life too short.

iPhone: Provides driving directions.
Paris Hilton: Knows how to drive. (Sort of.)

iPhone: Responds to touch from multiple fingers at once.
Paris Hilton: Responds to touch from multiple fingers at once.