Liberals insist on a “single-payer” healthcare system for America. That is, Uncle Sam pays all the bills and we all get our medical care for free.

But why stop at healthcare? If you’re gonna doing something, do it right. So let’s not ask what we can do for ourselves, ask what else our country can do for us.

Single-payer Groceries

Face it, too many grocery stores compete for our food dollars while making obscene profits. (Obscene profits are anything more than I care to pay.) Think of all the waste that goes into maintaining redundant warehouses, corporate headquarters, paying for advertising etc. Surely, the government can feed us more efficiently.

Some deniers will ask, how can the government possibly respond to consumer demand as efficiently as private enterprise? My answer: who really needs that many kinds of breakfast cereal anyway? Did you know that Whole Foods has 55 different kinds of mustard? It’s decadent.

Plus, with Uncle Sam paying our medical bills, he can make sure we’re only eating the right kinds of food to keep us healthy and not using up all those free medical bennies. Gather some scientists, figure out how many calories we each should consume, and make it happen. Out with the South Beach Diet, in with the Beltway Diet.

With government power, you won’t need will power.

Single-payer Clothes

Now seriously, what’s more wasteful than fashion? Every year perfectly good garments are discarded and sent to Africa because greedy capitalists convince us our duds are no longer stylish, or no longer properly express our individuality.

Enough is enough. Let’s end this oppression and wear government supplied uniforms.

They’ll be free and they’ll free us from the shallow dictates of appearance, thus engendering a more egalitarian society. How much of your life do you squander thinking about what to wear? Uncle Sam is here to liberate you.

And think about how many natural resources we can save?

Single-Payer Shelter

With Uncle Sam in charge of housing, there will be no more rent, no more mortgage crises, no more foreclosures, no more irritating Realtors leaving calendars on your porch, and no more building contractors interrupting your dinner with sales pitches.

Sure, we might have to downsize to be more equitable, but look, families in the ‘Soviet Union got by with 400 square feet of living space. Surely we’re as tough as they are. And you’ll never have to hear about the homeless again.

Single-payer Politics

What’s more tedious than political campaigns — those endless polls, those dorky talking heads blah blah blahing on and on. Plus, television is just about unwatchable for months as we get stuck with those tedious campaign commercials showing politicians showing off their families.

Who needs it? If you believe there’s little difference between Margaret Thatcher and Hillary Clinton (as Hillary claims), then one politician is as good as another. Let’s bring the country together once and for all and have one political party.

Be a uniter, not a divider!

Single-payer Retirement

Forget IRAs, 401Ks, money managers, savings accounts and all that complicated stuff — just sit back and enjoy your golden years on Social Security. Sure, it only pays a 3% return versus 11% in the stock market, but it’s guaranteed money.

Some say that Social Security is nothing but a government Ponzi scheme. Well, I’m not about to sit back and let them disparage the very government who feeds, clothes and shelters me. Yessir, I do question their patriotism!

Why fight the Single Payer Life? Resistance is futile and we will all be assimilated. And once we are, we can all retire. Everything will be provided.