Hilarious:

As many of you know, I am a longtime resident of Lakewood Mobile Home Court, a gated community on the outskirts of Coralville. When I first moved to Lakewood in 2000, I was attracted by its affordable rental rates and many amenities, such as ample streetside parking, easy access to I-80, and a quiet, low-surveillance wooded area in which to store my automobiles and train my beloved sport dogs. At the time it seemed an ideal neighborhood in which to raise the various children the Iowa courts have assigned me financial support. Here was a place they could run and play carefree, while I relaxed with a drink and conversation with friendly new neighbors like Kyle and Chuck.

After several years of living in the community, however, I began to notice a change. Trash and beer cans and dog waste mysteriously began to pile up. Formerly friendly neighbors became suspicious and wary, and I was saddened to realize they were locking their trailers while away at work. Worse yet, crime skyrocketed, in large part due to the gangs of unsupervised juveniles that roamed the streets and woods. As a concerned parent, with several children facing Iowa’s draconian “three strikes” sentencing guidelines, I realized that I needed to get them out of this environment but I didn’t know how. Like millions of Americans I dreamed of home ownership, but it remained elusive. Early Sunday mornings I would drive slowly through Majestic Oakewoods, the new luxury housing development on the other side of the woods, with my headlights off, wistfully thinking: “someday… someday.”

Then one afternoon while parked outside QuikTrip, Kyle, Chuck and I heard an advertisement on Q-103 for no-money-down, interest-only discount home loans at First Coralville Mortgage. Best yet, the ad promised a free First Coralville Igloo mini-kooler for all applicants regardless of approval! I decided to call for an appointment on the QT pay phone, before Ramesh chased us out.

The whole home buying process can be confusing and intimidating, especially for first time buyers. Luckily, First Coralville mortgage broker Linda Mustaine was there to help guide me through all the steps. Linda explained that the first step to home ownership was getting pre-qualified for a loan. I was surprised to learn that my lack of a full-time “paying job” was no barrier, thanks to FCM’s exciting RapidNow Subprime HomeCash program. Linda explained that I could count as income the Worker’s Comp settlement I was receiving from the fryer accident, as well as the anticipated flood of tipjar income from a totally awesome blog post idea I’ve been thinking about. Using a sophisticated financial computer math program, she demonstrated how I could minimize my payments by selecting the 200-year interest-only ARM.  The only formality was the credit check, and my TransUnion score was more than adequate after adding in the scores of my cosigners Kyle and Chuck.