pander queen
It seems that every time the primary race should be turning around for her, instead, it stays in Obama’s favor. And yet she keeps chugging along. One can admire Hillary’s determination to be president, but does it have to be of this country? Can’t she do like last time and pick a place she’s never lived before and run there? Besides, isn’t there a rule that if you trash the White House on your way out, you aren’t allowed back in?
Ah, but being president is Hillary’s birthright. In fact, a month ahead of Tuesday’s Pennsylvania primary, moving footage of a three-year-old Hillary emerged, showing the toddler with her grandparents in Pennsylvania, and prompting TV anchors to muse, “It’s hard to believe the innocent little girl in this homemade film may be the next president of the United States.” But watching baby Hillary making her way down the porch steps, one could almost hear the internal script: “Weekend Itinerary: Hang out with grandparents in battleground state of Pennsylvania, wear frilly white dress, make sure camera is present, retrieve tape in election year 2004 or 2008, depending on how well things go…”
It seems that Hillary was never a “little girl” and planned her political career from the womb. You think when she says “Americans want someone who’s ready on Day One” that she’s talking about Inauguration Day? More likely - she means conception. In an ode to such dedicated ambition, here is a list of things Hillary must do to reclaim the Democratic base and salvage her campaign:
1. Get back to her roots: As the original black First Couple, Hillary and Bill were spewing anti-white, anti-religious, anti-gun rhetoric years before anyone had even heard the name Barack Obama. In fact, Bill Clinton made the following comment more than a year before Barack and Michelle Obama got married: “The reason (George H. W. Bush’s tactic) works so well now is that you have all these economically insecure white people who are scared to death.” So remind people that before there was a Barack Obama, before there was a Reverend Wright, there was Billary.
2. To win back female voters defecting to the Obama camp, pimp Bill out to win them over with the formula that worked for Hollywood actresses: Sleep with Bill; Vote for Hillary. (This alone will earn the title “Madame President.”) Oh, and don’t get mad at rallies if women throw their underwear at Bill.
3. Reassure the faithful once more that she’s always been a preying person. And remind them that abortions are down by almost half a million every year since the 90s: clearly, more women are keeping their babies because there’s some cachet to having a former president’s child.
4. Explain to voters that they don’t have to choose between electing a female president and a black president-with Hillary they again get a two-for-one deal: female and black. (Lest we think Bill a self-loathing brother who married a white woman.)
5. Inform the public that Obama isn’t really black. In fact, since his mother was white - according to Jewish law, he’s white. (Emphasize that, no better than Bill, Barack also falls asleep when black people are talking; how else to explain his missing all of Rev. Wright’s nastier sermons if not a 20-year power nap?)