Scrappleface:

(2008-11-13) — The White House today unveiled a rival version of a $25 billion Democrat bailout for the Big Three U.S. automakers, which it said would yield immediate benefits for some 625,000 Americans.

George W. Bush, who is president of the United States, said he has called House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to “humbly suggest that instead of lending $25 billion to GM, Ford and Chrysler, or risking more taxpayer money on their flimsy stock, why don’t we just purchase a brand new 2008 vehicle for every citizen of Washington D.C., all members of Congress and their staffs, and all the employees of the executive branch and the Supreme Court?”

Mr. Bush said he “figured it would be a lot more compassionately conservative to give all these people a new Chevy Avalanche, Chrysler Crossfire or Ford Expedition, which all retail at around $40,000. We could buy one of these high-quality, union-made vehicles for each of the 588,000 D.C. residents, and throw in the federal employees for good measure. Heck, I could even take a train load of them home to Crawford with me in January.”

“When foreigners, like the Chinese, come to visit our nation’s capital,” said Mr. Bush, “they’ll see nothing but brand spanking new American cars and it will fill them with confidence so that they’ll want to loan us more cash to keep our government afloat.”