A KINKY businessman couldn’t bear it when his girlfriend dumped him – so he paid £15,000 to recreate her as a life-sized sex doll.

The 50-year-old man took a collection of snapshots of his ex and told adult toy maker Diego Bortolin: “I want it just like her but with bigger boobs.”

Diego – who refuses to name the punter – creates super realistic sex dolls at the factory behind his shop Tentazioni, or Temptations, in Treviso, Italy.

He explained: “She was a smiling blonde girl but he wanted bigger boobs and a curvier backside.”

“Our normal dolls are very realistic and everything works just like the real thing.

“This one was more expensive because we had to replicate everything, right down to the shape of her nails and teeth.

Diego defended his actions saying: “Some people say it is kinky but she is now the perfect girlfriend as far as I can see.”

One of India’s top cops shocked colleagues by suddenly announcing he had decided to become a woman.

Inspector Dickie Panda is the inspector general of police in Lucknow, state capital of Uttar Pradesh.

But the hardened police chief who made a reputation for getting tough on crime suddenly turned up at work this month in women’s clothes – and announced that he was now a woman.

The scandal was kept a secret until he decided to go to court to officially “adopt” his wife and make her his daughter so that he could continue to support her.

He said: “My wife Veena should not suffer now that I am a woman – and obviously we cannot remain married as we are both women – so I am officially declaring her my daughter.”

Guatemalan Flight’s Data-Recording Parrot Holds Clues To Crash

The 20 Worst Swimsuits.

You might need a raincoat. HT: Susan Gertson.

Restoration Of ‘Star Spangled Banner’ Uncovers Horrifying New Verses

A Placer County man has been arrested after he broke into a shuttered bar, reopened the business and started selling drinks to unwitting customers, according to the Placer County Sheriff’s department.

The Placer County Sheriff’s department arrested 29-year-old Travis Kevie of Newcastle after his 4-day stint as the barkeep of the historic Valencia Club in Penryn which had been shutdown for more than a year.

Detective Jim Hudson became suspicious after reading about the Valencia Club’s re-opening in an Auburn Journal newspaper article that featured a picture of Kevie and identified him as the club’s new “owner/operator”. Not only had Detective Hudson had previous run-ins with Kevie, he knew the Valencia Club’s liquor license had been surrendered.

When Detective Hudson went to the bar to investigate, he found it open for business and customers at the bar.  Kevie quickly went from behind the bar to behind bars.

From the police blotter

The domestic row in New Port Richey, near the cities of Tampa and St. Petersburg, escalated to the point where Angelic Innamorato picked up the ceramic toilet lid and swung it at her cousin’s head, narrowly missing him.

After her toilet attack failed, she opted for a more conventional weapon, pulling a revolver on her cousin and threatening to kill him, before stealing his wallet and fleeing.

When she was arrested, 28-year-old Innamorato admitted to police that she had picked up the toilet lid, but insisted that she was only ‘looking for her keys’, the St. Petersburg Times reports.

Another strike against the idea that names determine destiny.

This is hilarious.

USDA Recalls 96,000 Pounds Of Tainted Beef From One Family

Humor from the BBC in 1957. Talk show pioneer Jack Paar ran this on the Tonight show and got mail from viewers asking how and where to visit the spaghetti farms.

“I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s
And his hair was perfect.” — Warren Zevon

HT: Susan Gertson

Seeing Joe Cocker on the American Idol finale reminded me of this bit from Saturday Night Live where John Belushi brilliantly sends up Cocker’s spastic singing style.

Then there’s this:

Live Feed: Obama Attends The White House Maintenance Staff Annual Dinner

A comedic comeuppance for the Tech Messiah.

In The Know: Are We Giving The Robots That Run Our Society Too Much Power?

From the LA Times yesterday.

No heads turned when comedian Russell Peters walked into Du-par’s in Studio City this week, aside from Peters’ himself as he scanned the diner’s orange booths for attractive ladies. He sells out stadiums in Dubai, London, Sydney and Hong Kong. But stateside, he’s just another groggy dude in a black hoodie.

Even before his first cup of coffee and his cayenne pepper vitamin, though, there was a little red “on-air” light flashing behind Peters’ eyes, and he was firing off antagonistic one-liners, hoping to get a rise out of his interviewer. Most of these suggestive little puns aren’t suitable for a family newspaper.

They did however, drive home an important point about Peters: This guy will sell out arenas around the world, rank No. 9 on Forbes magazine’s list of top-earning comics, hold the British record for largest attendance (16,500) for a single comedy performance, and collect his cool $10 million a year with or without the media or Hollywood. He has, thanks to his viral videos on the Internet, been doing it for years.

Peters, 39, is the first — and apparently the only — Anglo-Indian comic at his vaunted level. Even his relative peers in the business, Dane Cook, Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy, are strictly North American stadium comics. The Canadian-born Peters takes turns with Chris Rock breaking attendance records in London.

Chris Erskine writes about coaching mini-Dodgers.

They are tethered to this earth in only the most tangential ways. At any moment, they could leap the moon. You have your Dodgers? Well, I have mine. It is like coaching popcorn as it pops.

The mini-Dodgers of the Pinto League are 6 and 7, which means they know almost everything. They know about superheroes and bugs and how, if you blow your nose the wrong way, you could actually die. I had a 10-minute conversation with our second baseman the other day about the dangers of queen moths. I didn’t even know there were queen moths. But if they sting you, you will die.

What these mini-Dodgers don’t know much about is baseball, and they are reluctant to learn. On the basepaths, they keep trying to pass each other up — tiny NASCARs. As with most men, they are ruled by their own natural impulses, and one of them is to run as fast as you can until you mow down the person in front of you. Sorry, dude.

“Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever pass the guy in front of you,” I tell them during warmups.

“Ever, Coach?”

“Never ever,” says James, our manager.

And still they do. Bunch of punks.

I love them as if they were my own, and for the next month or two they will be. I am part coach, part shrink, part uncle, part scold. Since they are 6- and 7-year-old boys, they have no sense of hearing, not a bit. The only sounds they can identify with any certainty are their mother calling them Christmas morning, or the ding-ding-ding of the ice cream cart.

The other day in the outfield, Valentine was so distracted by the ice cream cart that he literally could not breathe. His knees kept bucking at the very thought of ice cream. The way I think of charred sirloin and a good Cab is the way Valentine thinks of ice cream.

“Watch the game, V,” I’d tell him.

“Coach, he’s LEAVING!” Valentine said, unable to keep his eyes off the ice cream vendor. “He’s LEEEEEEEEEEEAVING!”

They can be as athletic as colts, yet have issues with basic things — like standing up or thinking. Get two or three of them together, and they begin to pile atop each other as if they won something. It’s like puppies, though the smells are different. They roll around in the spring grass, greening up their knees and elbows… bonding.

Read on.

Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals

Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday

Jokes become facts in the game of telephone internet.

(Baltimore, April 1, 2010) The Johns Hopkins University announced today that it is bowing to the inevitable and officially changing its name to “John Hopkins.”

“We give up,” university President Ronald J. Daniel said. “We’re fighting a losing battle here. And we strongly suspect the extra ’s’ was a typo in the first place.”

Since its establishment in 1876 as America’s first research university, Daniel said, anyone and everyone has stumbled over “Johns Hopkins,” omitting the seemingly superfluous “s” altogether or dropping it randomly into the name anywhere but where it belonged.

“It’s not just ‘John Hopkins,’” Daniel said. “We’ve heard ‘John Hopskins.’ We’ve heard ‘John Shopskins.’ One flustered high school kid in an admissions interview the other day actually called us ‘Bob Hoskins.’”

Maggie’s Farm:

The extent to which the habit of gum-chewing, Betel-nut chewing, and tobaccy-chawing contributes to the growth of tooth lice is under appreciated in America, where so many have replaced their sophisticated, adult smoking habit with the childlike habit of Nicorette gum-chewing, according to dental researchers.

Medical experts have termed the tooth louse explosion a crisis in dental hygiene, and have been urging more government attention to it. Very few people have oral habitats which are entirely free of these primitive parasites.

The medical fact is that chewing gum and eating meat causes chronic damage to the periodontium integumentium, which is the area in which tooth lice dine on stuck particles of your ham and cheese sandwich. The damage causes the lice to grow and reproduce more quickly because they obtain necessary iron from the blood which oozes from the damaged gum tissues. Diligent tooth-brushing causes similar damage to the integumentium, which is why progressive naturopaths and chiropractic dentists advise against regular tooth-brushing.

Researchers are exploring a possible connection of the surge in tooth lice to globalistical warmening, and public health academics and the UN’s well-respected Tooth Louse Task Force have reached a consensus that only national, single payer government-controlled medical care can adequately deal with the crisis. “People cannot be trusted with their own oral hygiene,” said Safiendrana Chavez-Gupta, Chairperson of the UN task force in today’s speech to note International Louse Day. “Government is needed not just to control what comes out of peoples’ mouths, but what lives in them.”

However, PETA and the WWF have attacked these efforts, which they term “Lousy Genocide,” to destroy the harmless creatures and their habitats.

The tiny creatures are difficult to see without a magnifying glass, and are difficult to dislodge with a toothbrush. Being nocturnal, their habit is to scurry to the back side of their home tooth when exposed to light, so they are not usually observed when tooth-brushing or speaking. Listerene seems to stimulate their reproductive activity, according to preliminary studies. Either nighttime use of Oral Louse Traps or gargling with garden insecticides seems effective at controlling an infestation, and both are readily available at CVS or your local hardware store.

However, try nothing yourself before discussing with your dentist. Tooth Lice are not a laughing matter.

“A Chattanooga Police officer, while running radar at 1410 Workman Road on Sunday night, had his patrol car attacked by a ferocious bulldog. Officer Clayton Holmes said he had stopped to work on a report when he felt his car shaking. He got out to investigate and what he found was a bulldog chewing on his patrol car. The dog chewed two tires and the entire front bumper off of the car.”

The look on the anchor’s face is priceless.

For context, see below:

Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python

No wonder they invented hip-hop. Via Sippican Cottage whose headline we borrowed.

News you can use.

A Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon says a woman’s size-D breast implants might have saved her life when a gunman opened fire at her office.

Lydia Carranza was working at the Simi Valley dental office July 1 when her co-worker, the gunman’s wife, was shot and killed.

Carranza was just a few feet away. She survived a gunshot to the chest, but the the bullet left a scar and deflated the implant.

“She’s just one lucky woman,” Dr. Ashkan Ghavami told the LA Times. “I saw the CT scan. The bullet fragments were millimeters from her heart and her vital organs. Had she not had the implant, she might not be alive today.”

…

An LAPD firearms instructor told the Times it’s possible the implant interrupted the velocity of the bullet.

“I don’t want to say a boob job is the equivalent of a bulletproof vest,” Scott Reitz told the Times. “So don’t go getting breast enhancements as a means to deflect a possible incoming bullet.”

Henceforth implants should come with fine print advising the, um, wearer that they cannot stop a speeding bullet.