For context, see below:

Boy’s Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python

No wonder they invented hip-hop. Via Sippican Cottage whose headline we borrowed.

News you can use.

A Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon says a woman’s size-D breast implants might have saved her life when a gunman opened fire at her office.

Lydia Carranza was working at the Simi Valley dental office July 1 when her co-worker, the gunman’s wife, was shot and killed.

Carranza was just a few feet away. She survived a gunshot to the chest, but the the bullet left a scar and deflated the implant.

“She’s just one lucky woman,” Dr. Ashkan Ghavami told the LA Times. “I saw the CT scan. The bullet fragments were millimeters from her heart and her vital organs. Had she not had the implant, she might not be alive today.”

…

An LAPD firearms instructor told the Times it’s possible the implant interrupted the velocity of the bullet.

“I don’t want to say a boob job is the equivalent of a bulletproof vest,” Scott Reitz told the Times. “So don’t go getting breast enhancements as a means to deflect a possible incoming bullet.”

Henceforth implants should come with fine print advising the, um, wearer that they cannot stop a speeding bullet.

Gerard Vanderleun offers an all-purpose apology for Tiger Woods.

First let me say that I’m sorry I’m saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry because after you hear this apology you’ll be sorry too. So I’m sorry for making you feel sorry by having to say I’m sorry.

I begin by noting that at present, as above, I’m sorry. Yes, I am very, very sorry. It was all my fault and I am sorry for it all. I failed, first and foremost, to understand that on tour golf is a game limited to eighteen holes.

Duffers cannot understand the pressures on the pros. It’s hard to wind down after an exhausting day strolling on a very long lawn to polite applause. You just somehow have to keep driving, and pitching, and wedging, and putting long into the wee-hours of the morning. No matter how many pars, birdies, and eagles I got, I was always looking for that perfect hole-in-one to round off the round. What began as confusion became compulsion powered by room service.

I am sorry, as always, for what I did. It was thoughtless and rude even though it was intensely gratifying at the time I did it. It wasn’t really what I meant or felt in my heart, but was just what I wanted to do. Many have taken my deeds to mean other than what I said they meant after I was discovered. Why, I even meant them to mean other than what they meant when I did them.

Well, the damage those deeds did is done and I can’t undo my doing that dropped me the do-do. All I can do is stand here strapped in the pillory of the present as all those whom I have so wrongly (but without malice I swear) harmed cry like the little girly-men they are, especially the girls. Their heartbreak is now my ass ache. I cringe to see them writhe with the bleeding agony of those raw wounds I ripped open by my harsh and unconsidered actions.

Have I said I feel really bad about this? I do. I feel even worse that I, through my abject failure to realize how deeply the awl of my deeds would bore into them, even, yea, down to the living blue-veined bone, that I simply stood by and allowed the burning salt of my senseless screwups to pour without limit into their raw and festering souls. I am, as I said, deeply sorry and feel bad besides.

How To Put The Spark Back Into Your Relationship With Your Cat

The LAT on Richard Alcala’s trial in Orange county for serial murder.

In a soft-spoken tone that was at times inaudible, Alcala asked himself detailed questions meant to show that he was not the person who kidnapped Samsoe from the streets of Huntington Beach and killed her.

Alcala is also accused of raping and killing Jill Barcomb, 18, whose body was found in the Hollywood Hills; Georgia Wixted, 27, of Malibu; Charlotte Lamb, 32, of Santa Monica; and Jill Parenteau, 21, of Burbank…

In the first two hours of testimony, Alcala, dressed in a tan sports coat and jeans, asked himself a series of broad questions, such as “What was the next thing you did, Mr. Alcala?” and “After that, what did you do, Mr. Alcala?”

This recalled the courtroom scene from Woody Allen’s Bananas. He interrogates himself at the 4:00 minute mark, but the whole scene is funny. I realize the Alcala trial is not funny to friends and family.

The Playmobil Security Check Point toy at Amazon. Here’s the manufacturer’s description:

The woman traveler stops by the security checkpoint. After placing her luggage on the screening machine, the airport employee checks her baggage. The traveler hands her spare change and watch to the security guard and proceeds through the metal detector. With no time to spare, she picks up her luggage and hurries to board her flight!

Some of the user comments are priceless:

I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger’s shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger’s scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said “that’s the worst security ever!”. But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.

There are plenty of good snipes in the comments. HT: Simon Bass

Is nothing sacred?

The produce used on the Food Network’s Jan. 3 Iron Chef of America two-hour special White House show was billed as being from the White House garden. But the show did not disclose that “stunt double vegetables” were used and not produce from the First Family’s garden.

The much ballyhooed show featured a cameo by First Lady Michelle Obama who invited the chefs to pick what they needed from the White House garden in the opening scenes. Mrs. Obama agreed to appear –and give the show access to the garden — because the episode promoted her healthy eating themes and the garden, her signature first-year project. Iron Chef also reaches an audience that would be interested in Mrs. Obama’s local food, anti-obesity and exercise agenda.

Yesterday I posted a clip from “Little Murders” the film based on a play by cartoonist and playright Jules Feiffer. I remembered that Feiffer is cousin to politicial columnist Dick Morris and the late, infamous Roy Cohn.

In the course of looking that up, I came across this cartoon — a perfect time capsule from 2008.

For fans of the Bard and The Dude, the Big Lebowski reimagined as a work of Shakespeare. HT: Simon Bass

WALTER
I speak of this other man, Sir Geoffrey of Lebowski. Is not thy name, sir, Geoffrey of Lebowski? To be or not Lebowski, that is the question; I see we still did meet each other’s man. Shall we not make amends? A gentleman of high sentence ought to be of unsequestered location, possessed of resources fit to restore a thousand rugs from vile offence. He’s not well married that lets his wife a borrower be, such that men gravely offended bespoil another man’s rug. Be I wrong?

Chris Erskine in the LA Times:

As usual, I’ll be spending Christmas morning in front of the fireplace, flicking in credit card receipts and users manuals . . . bad ties the kids gave me . . . holiday newsletters with sentences like: “It’s so hard to believe that Braymer is already in his third year at Cambridge. . . . ”

So I just wanted to say thank you, Santa. Thank you for the Christmas Day Lakers game, the little moment of pixels and light after all the other gifts are gone.

I love the Christmas Day game. In L.A., anything that happens twice in a row is considered a tradition. So for us, the Christmas Day Lakers game is like brushing sheep in Bethlehem. It’s what draws us closer to the Lord.

There is so much to admire about the Christmas Day game, which for 11 straight years now has matched the Lakers against the NBA’s closest competing carnivore.

The Lakers are just something you can count on at Christmas. Derek Fisher is what, 87 now, and he still comes down the court like a teenager with a bag full of cheeseburgers. I like that in an NBA player. I like that in anybody.

I like the way Kobe clenches his jaw at crunch time — all sinew and heat. I wouldn’t want to be the enamel in his teeth, nor would I like to be the poor sap-defender who has to decide, “Do I get in his face or do I give him . . . whoa, where’d he go?”

All on national TV.

I like the way Pau Gasol pretends it’s nothing after making a big play, the rare humble man in a world full of chest-thumpers. I saw Chad Ochocinco score a touchdown the other day, freeze for a moment as Tantric spirits invaded his head, then strut around like some sort of goose.

Gets old in a hurry, that bird stuff.

Read it all.

I suppose if things don’t work out, he can always say, “I divorce you” three times and be done with it.

No video? No problem.

Not from Bruce Tinsley, but Newsday:

About 20 people picketed the offices of Newsday yesterday protesting the publishing of a Mallard Fillmore cartoon last Sunday and demanded that the editor, John Mancini, be fired for running the cartoon according to Editor & Publisher.

The cartoon depicts a large dinosaur chasing a smaller saying, “I’m not chasing you because you’re a pachycephalosaurus … I’m chasing you because you’re delicious” in which the small dinosaur responds, “Oh, thank goodness. I was worried that this might be a hate crime.” The cartoon ran a week after the first year anniversary of the death of an Ecuadorian immigrant at the hands of seven teenagers. Protestors felt that running the cartoon reduced hate crimes to a joke.

Newsday issued a statement saying, “we expect the cartoons we publish, many of which are nationally syndicated, to amuse, stir and entertain, but never to offend. Hate crime is a serious issue. This nationally syndicated cartoon should never have run and we have expressed our concern to the syndicator.”

Curious: the Fort Hood murderer yells “Allahu Akbar” before opening fire.

Do libs see that as a hate crime? No, they fret about potential hate crimes against innocent American Muslims as a backlash.

Mocking liberals will soon become a “hate crime.”

Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.

Tip: don’t set up your pot farm 25 feet from a police station.

Credit police canines, of sorts, for the arrest of three men Wednesday in connection with a warehouse crammed with 850 pot plants.

Twenty-five feet behind the LAPD’s Topanga Station.

The afternoon bust was made a week after an LAPD Gang Impact Team whiffed evidence coming from the building at at 8411 Canoga Ave.

“Our gang officers were in the parking lot. The air was still. The breeze was right. They could smell growing pot,” said Los Angeles police Lt. Stephen M. Carmona, commander of detectives at the Topanga station.

“They came over, did a closer search, did some sniffing around, so to speak.”

On Wednesday evening, detectives mingled with other officers inside a crime scene taped off in the alley behind the station.

Not 25 feet from an 8-foot wall along the cop shop was an industrial warehouse that Carmona said contained 850 marijuana plants of different sizes.

Democrat Congressman Emanuel Cleaver wants to establish Complaint Free Wednesday.

First he should hire someone on his staff who can proof read.

The congressman sent out a “Dear Colleague” letter asking for signatures to co-sponsor a resolution seeking the Wednesday before Thanksgiving a “Complaint Free Wednesday.” (Really, a resolution is needed for this?)

A section of Cleaver’s “Dear Colleague” (no word on who has signed up for this):

“From time to time, we all experience anxiety, frustration, stress, and regret. And often, we respond to these feelings with a criticism or a complaint. Regrettably, complaining keeps people stuck on current problems, inhibiting them from thinking constructively to find solutions. Research has also shown that complaining can be harmful to one’s emotional and physical health; relationships; and can limit professional career success.

“In the spirit of hope, optimism, and postivity, and in honor of its efforts to encourage people to look forward, not backward, the group a Complaint Free World is to be recognized. A Complaint Free World’s goal, in fact, is to motivate 1% of the global population (about 60 million people) to become complaint free.

“This timely and constructive (and revenue neutral) resolution would reaffirm the meaning of Thanksgiving by designating the Wednesday before as Complaint Free Wednesday. Surely Complaint Free Wednesday will be a meaningful and powerful reminder to prepare for a day of gratitude.”

You can read the document from his office here.

Instapundit linked to this video of Christopher Walken reading Lady Gaga. It’s a funny bit, but was preceded by decades by Peter Sellers reciting “A Hard Days Night.”

If he tells her she’s beautiful is he complimenting her or himself?

Reza Vossough hated 33-year-old Cany’s body, but they tied the knot anyway after he spotted her “potential”.

He performed EIGHT operations to change her chest, thighs, eyes and face.

Vossough spent five years pumping 1,600g of silicone into her body, boosting her size A chest to a giant F cup.

He also enhanced her lips, lifted her eyelids and de-creased her forehead.

The former waitress also had nip-and-tuck ops to her bum, tummy and thighs and countless Botox injections.

Only AFTER £18,000 of cosmetic surgery did Reza, 48, fall in love with her.

But busty Cany, now a model, is thrilled with her new image. She said: “When your husband is a plastic surgeon, then the scalpel is your friend.”

Reza, who operates on 1,200 patients a year at his Berlin clinic, said of his skills: “It’s almost like being God – you have the ability to change nature.

“When I first met Cany, she had physical deficiencies, but I could see there was something there. She had big hips and big thighs, so we made corrections, then did a little bit more.

Police said a one-legged suspect was caught after only one shoe went missing in a store in Belgium. An amputee was an immediate suspect when a store attendant found one shoe missing from a shop in the western Belgian town of Maldegem.

Police spokesman Rik Decraemer said Monday authorities were alerted and quickly found the man who fit the description by shopkeepers. The shoe was also recovered. The suspect, a Russian asylum seeker, faces possible charges and was handed over to judicial authorities

How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

A Windows 7 demo that didn’t follow the script. HT: Tom Bunzel.

Some guys are astonishingly oblivious.

Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just For Woman He Follows

Smelly people, fat people and people who cough and sneeze are the most disliked passengers to be seated next to on an airplane, according to a survey.

Almost half of the people polled by website Travelocity said passengers with poor hygiene are the worst, while 30 per cent dislike people who cough and sneeze and 15 per cent don’t like sitting next to fat passengers.

Almost two thirds of people said seat-kicking was the rudest behaviour displayed by passengers, followed by loud talking or swearing and reclining the seat all the way back.

When it comes to fat passengers, 44 per cent of people believed they should be given two seats at no extra cost, while 39 per cent believed they should have to pay for an extra seat.

The beautiful trail in the sky looked like a mysterious celestial event. In reality, it was urine.

Some skygazers were treated to the unexpected view of a bright sparkling glow Wednesday night, created when astronauts aboard the space shuttle Discovery dumped the waste out into space.

The water dump was a scheduled task for STS-128 pilot Kevin Ford, who poured out urine and waste water stored aboard the shuttle in preparation for a landing attempt Thursday. Weather thwarted that try, but astronauts plan another landing attempt Friday at 5:48 p.m. EDT (2148 GMT) in Florida, though rain and high winds are expected again.

The light show Wednesday was aided by an unusually large amount of water being dumped all at once – about 150 pounds (68 kg), said NASA spokeswoman Kylie Clem. Discovery had just undocked from the International Space Station the day before, and had not been able to unload waste water during the 10-day visit.