Dear Obama, nothing seems to be too trivial for you to involve the government.
So, in the spirit of “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” I beseech you to fix these issues via executive order.
- Many DVDs don’t let you skip the previews. And Sony Pictures makes people with Blu-Ray players sit through a commercial for Blu-Ray players! Fix that.
- Men’s dress shirts used to come in fixed sleeve lengths. Now they’re 32-33, 37-38 etc. This is fraud because a sleeve cannot be two lengths. Fix that.
- No more Java updates, please.
- Getting stuck at a red light next to some jerk playing his stereo with mega-bass can jostle one’s innards. Make it legal to cut the tire valve stems of these idiots. (Yes, I know brain addled folk are more likely to vote Democrat, but put the nation first for a change.)
- Eye glass frames are too expensive. If Costco can sell three pair of reading glasses for $18, why should one set of frames start at $60?
- Make sure hot dogs and buns are packaged in equal numbers.
- Sports analysts yap too much to make obvious points. Limit them to a fixed number of syllables per game (like Twitter). When they’ve used up their limit, their mic goes dead.
- Parents of brats should pay a tax surcharge. The little monsters they unleash on society cost us plenty, so it’s entirely fair.
- Death penalty for telemarketers who violate the Do Not Call list.
Isn’t it rich?
Aren’t we a pair?
You on the ground smoldering
Me in mid-air.
Send in the drones.
Isn’t it bliss?
The DOJ now recommends
No sudden moves.
Where are the drones?
Send in the drones.
Just when I stopped knocking on doors
And marching in protest of Middle East wars
We won election again and lost irony
Replacing it with
Don’t you love farce?
My fault I fear.
You have a right to stay silent
Forever my dear.
But where are the drones.
Quick send in the drones.
Don’t bother, they’re here.
Every year, more than 30,000 Americans die in auto accidents. Five percent of those are children. Children!
This loss of life can be easily prevented, if only you had the political courage to use an executive order to lower speed limits to 20 mph everywhere in America. Sure, there would still be fender benders, but no one dies.
Yes, America would slow down. Amazon might have to resort to 4 day shipping. It would be harder to see the USA in your Chevrolet. Long distance truckers would miss a lot more family time.
If you think this is crazy, consider how many more kids are killed with cars than guns:
- gun deaths for kids in 2011: 565
- car deaths for kids in 2011: 1,615
President Obama, you went after guns. But cars kill nearly three times as many kids. And driving fast is not protected in the Bill of Rights. (In fact, when the Constitution was written, 20 mph was fast!)
Man up, slow us down.
For the children.
It seemed impossible after the U.S. Congress passed the Twenty-second Amendment to the Constitution back in 1947… Never again was a president supposed to be able to serve more than two terms in office. Yet, miraculously, George W. Bush is just about to wrap up term number three.
How did he manage this feat? It’s hard to say, really. But somehow, from his home in Texas over the past four years, he’s managed to keep the Guantanamo Bay detention camp open, keep the Patriot Act alive, keep the Bush tax cuts in place, and have his anti-terror intelligence-gathering policies lead to the killing of Osama Bin Laden. The fact that the guy currently sitting in the Oval Office has been an outspoken opponent of all of these initiatives makes Bush’s continued authority all the more impressive.
Above all though, it’s Bush’s knack for keeping the economy in a perpetual state of ruin over the past four years that I find the most awe-inspiring. That takes some real talent! At least Barack Obama, and most of the American people (if the polls are right), actually give Bush his due credit when it comes to the economy.
Yes, three terms is a real achievement. From what I’ve gathered, the method for accomplishing such a conquest is to leave your successor with a really bad situation for him to have to deal with. I’m talking about a real challenge, perhaps even with global implications. That way, it’s apparently reasonable for the successor not to be held accountable for anything that happens in the country and around the world, at least during his own first term.
This should dispel, once and for all, the myth that Bush is stupid. He’s clearly brilliant!…
If only he were alive to be perp walked by Obama’s goons.
Celebrated historian Bertram Oxley has uncovered a memorandum from former Japanese Emperor Hirohito to Admiral Yamamoto dated December 6, 1941, showing that the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was motivated by an offensive film made by Charlie Chaplin ridiculing Japanese cuisine.
“Contrary to historical accounts over the last seventy years,” Professor Oxley said in an interview today with the BBC, “What appeared to be a meticulously planned surprise attack was actually a spontaneous demonstration by moderate sushi connoisseurs in the Imperial Navy in response to a hateful and offensive movie. Thereafter, extremist elements within the Japanese military co-opted the spontaneous attack, transforming it into the overseas contingency operation sometimes referred to as ‘World War II.’”
The discovery has created a sensation in scholarly circles. “This is a remarkable find,” declared Reginald Smythe, chairman of the Progressive Historians Assocation and former Obama State Department official. “Had President Roosevelt condemned this movie — instead of uttering that infernal ‘Day of Infamy’ provocation — the war could have been avoided and millions of lives would have been saved.”
Reached at his home in Houston, former President George H. W. Bush, an aviator in the Pacific during the war, expressed skepticism. “It’s simply inconceivable that the Japanese First Air Fleet, with six aircraft carriers, could have staged a spur of the moment attack on an island thousands of nautical miles from the Japanese homeland with such stealth and precision.” Most experts dismissed Mr. Bush’s remarks, however, since it’s widely understood that World War II was primarily his son’s fault.
White House spokesman Jay Carney, asked this afternoon about the memo’s discovery stated, “Of course, hindsight’s 20-20. But one can only wonder how much pain and suffering could have been averted had FDR simply apologized to Hirohito at the outset.”
“Fortunately,” Carney continued, waving off questions from White House reporters anxious to return to questions about Mitt Romney’s grooming habits, “We’ve evolved to a more sophisticated strategy of leading from behind, so we’re unlikely to repeat the disastrous mistakes of the past.”
More than a week after President Barack Obama’s cold-blooded killing of a local couple, members of the American news media admitted Tuesday that they were still trying to find the best angle for covering the gruesome crime.
“I know there’s a story in there somewhere,” said Newsweek editor Jon Meacham, referring to Obama’s home invasion and execution-style slaying of Jeff and Sue Finowicz on Apr. 8. “Right now though, it’s probably best to just sit back and wait for more information to come in. After all, the only thing we know for sure is that our president senselessly murdered two unsuspecting Americans without emotion or hesitation.”
Added Meacham, “It’s not so cut and dried.”
Since the killings took place, reporters across the country have struggled to come up with an appropriate take on the ruthless crime, with some wondering whether it warrants front-page coverage, and others questioning its relevance in a fast-changing media landscape.
“What exactly is the news hook here?” asked Rick Kaplan, executive producer of the CBS Evening News. “Is this an upbeat human-interest story about a ‘day in the life’ of a bloodthirsty president who likes to kill people? Or is it more of an examination of how Obama’s unusual upbringing in Hawaii helped to shape the way he would one day viciously butcher two helpless citizens in their own home?”
President Obama didn’t think much of the Republican National Convention.
He told some 10,000 people Saturday at a rally in Urbandale, Iowa, that the agenda set out by nominee Mitt Romney and other speakers in Tampa was “better suited for the last century” more often than not.
“It was a rerun. We’d seen it before. You might as well have watched it on a black-and-white TV,” Obama said, clearly enjoying himself. “If you didn’t DVR it, let me recap it for you. Everything is bad, it’s Obama’s fault, and Gov. Romney is the only one who knows the secret to creating jobs and growing the economy.”
Okay, let’s say the GOP convention was a rerun of “Gunsmoke” or “Raw Hide.”
What’s that make Obama and his Democrats? “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo!”
“The period which immediately precedes an election, and that during which the election is taking place, must always be considered as a national crisis. … As the election draws near, the activity of intrigue and the agitation of the populace increase; the citizens are divided into hostile camps, each of which assumes the name of its favorite candidate; the whole nation glows with feverish excitement.” — Alexis de Tocqueville, “Democracy in America,” 1835
I can’t stand the people on your side. Not you, particularly. You’re fine. It’s your side that’s ruining everything great about this country.
Your side lies shamelessly. Your leaders just make things up. And you just follow them blindly, like sheep — like blind sheep. You hang out with people who think just like you, and listen only to shows where you’ll hear your own views repeated. It’s an echo chamber of lies!
That’s how your side wins elections. It whips gullible people into a frenzy about supposed threats to their freedoms and livelihoods, and it deceives everyone else into thinking it’s more moderate than it really is. Once the election is over, though, your side starts pushing its extreme agenda behind the scenes.
When your side wins an election, you make out the president to be some sort of messenger from God. Nothing he does can be wrong. It doesn’t matter how big a hypocrite he is. He can campaign on bringing us together and then do nothing but divide us when he gets in — but you don’t mind. When our side wins, on the other hand, the president has to be personally trashed and accused of the most monstrous crimes.
Your side stirs up hate against the people on my side. The horrible signs your people hold up at their protests, the venom your spokesmen spew on television: It’s scary. I wonder how you can go through life with all that anger inside you.
Your side is simplistic. You never stop and think things through. That’s how you end up with your ridiculously inconsistent positions on abortion and the death penalty. You even fight against legislation that would make your own life better! How crazy is that?
Honestly, I don’t know whether to be sorry for you or mad. Sometimes I wish we could just free you from these awful leaders and their dumb ideas. Sometimes I wish all the people on your side would just secede and form your own country.
I don’t know if your side even believes in democracy. Your people are willing to do whatever it takes to win. That’s all they care about. They don’t care about how much damage their incivility does to the tone of our national life. It makes me sad.
Your side is willing to exploit tragedies for political gain. When your side’s rhetoric leads to political violence, on the other hand, you start saying how we shouldn’t politicize senseless crimes. Awfully convenient, isn’t it?
Your side’s extremism just grows and grows. Back in the day, people on your side had some sensible views and were willing to work with people on my side. Now your side purges anyone who would dare to do that.
The people on your side constantly whine about how unfairly they are treated. You’re always stoking phony outrage against the political leaders you hate. They are shameless liars, you say. But why should we take demands for honesty seriously when they come from your side? Frankly, anything your side gets is justified payback for all the things you’ve done.
I’m not saying that my side is perfect. Not at all. I complain about the people on my side all the time. They’re wimps. They’re too polite. They let your side get away with murder. And the press lets it happen, too. The people on my side always bring knives to the gunfight.
Maybe the most infuriating thing your side does is pretend that we’re morally equivalent. That’s not true: Your side is full of much worse people. I can’t even stand seeing them on television. No way could I ever watch that supposed news network of yours.
It’s nothing personal. I just hate people like you.
Female athletes have won 56% of Team USA’s medals and 66% of its golds, both all-time bests. With women’s participation at a record level, these Olympics are being hailed as a gender-equity milestone.
Two-to-one is equity? Call your math teacher.
There’s a disparity here, and you progressives better get on the case about this disparate impact.
And it’s not just male-female: We must work harder to make sure there are more Hispanic, Asian, white, Pacific Islander and Native Americans in the sprint finals.
Sarcasm aside, congratulations to the women’s track team. Not only did they win big, they seem like a classy group of ladies representing our nation.
Readings from the Book of Barack
1 In the beginning Govt created the heavens and the earth. 2 Now the economy was formless and void, darkness was over the surface of the ATMs, and the Spirit of Govt was hovering over the land.
3 And Govt said, “Let there be spending,” and there was spending. 4 Govt saw that the spending was good, and that it separated the light from the darkness. 5 Govt called the spending Investments, and this he did in the first day.
6 Then Govt said, “Let there be roads and bridges across the waters, and let dams divide the waters from the waters.” 7 Thus Govt made the infrastructure and the patronage jobs for eternity under the firmament from the Potomac which was above the firmament; and it was so. 8 And Govt called the firmament Washington. This Govt did on the second day.
9 Then Govt said, “Let the regulations and the guidlines under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the Bureaus appear”; and it was so. 10 And Govt called the Bureaus demigovts, and the gathering together of them He called AFSCME. And Govt saw that it was good.
11 Then Govt said, “Let there be police, and firefighters, and teachers according to their kind, for they will create more jobs”; and it was so. 12 And then Govt bade the void bring forth crime, and arson, and stupidity, that each would yield seed to bring forth more police, and firefighters, and teachers, and jobs. And Govt saw that it was good. 13 So the evening and the morning were the third day.
14 On the fourth day Govt said, “Let Us make the economy in Our image, according to Our likeness; let it have dominion over the cars of the road, over the appliances of the supercenters, and over the pet groomers of the strip malls, over all the clickthroughs of Amazon and over every creepy thing of the Dollar Stores.” 15 So Govt created the economy in His own image; services and wholesale and retail He created them. 16 Then Govt blessed them, and Govt said to them, “Be fruitful and use the multiplier effect; fill the land with jobs; thou have dominion over thy realm, within limits, as long and thou remember to get thy permits and tithe thy taxes, for they are good. Hope to see you at the fundraiser.”
17 And on the fifth day Govt made an official Govt holiday, and headed off for a 3-day golf weekend at Camp David. But first Govt said to the economy, “you are free to eat from any tree in the garden, except the tree of Knowledge. There is a serpent in that thing, and thy health care does not cover it.”
Some people look at all the wonders we have and advancements we have achieved and feel grateful and satisfied. Thankfully, this isn’t very widespread, as that would kill all forward progress. Instead, many people look at all these blessings we have, decide they deserve much more, and complain in an irritating manner until someone else comes along and gives them what they think should rightfully be theirs. We call this “whining,” and it is the driving momentum of society.
Whining has been a part of humanity since near the dawn of time. The main complaints of early man were primitive things, like not having enough food to eat. In fact, these people were often so busy trying to rectify these dire problems that they didn’t have enough time to complain about them. Eventually, though, man reached a point where having enough food to eat wasn’t a problem. Most people were then satisfied with this new situation, but one man, now freed up from solving his previous problems, searched for new ones and said something like, “This isn’t my favorite part of the mammoth to eat. I want a better piece.” But the innovation was not just in the issue he found but also in the idea that he wouldn’t try to fix it himself; he would instead bellyache until someone more capable solved the problem for him. It didn’t work, as scientists believe he was soon beaten to death by his tribe. But eventually enough people began whining that hitting them all really hard with sticks was no longer a viable option. Thus the only way to end the irritating sniveling was to satisfy the whiners. And thus society was forced to advance in order to end the shrill complaints.
Soon, society divided into two parts:
1) The problem solvers and innovators.
2) The whiners, who would keep saying the first group’s output wasn’t good enough.
Society continued to progress, and as it advanced away from simple survival, people found even more things to whine about.
“My toga is itchy.”
“This crossbow gave me a splinter.”
“My chariot’s wheels are squeaky.”
Eventually a type of man emerged whose job was solely to whine on society’s behalf: the politician. The politicians took charge of society, and we now had a world led by whiners. We call that “civilization.”
The United States of America has had an interesting history with whining. It was founded due to a breakdown in whining in which the British stopped listening to the colonists’ complaints. This forced the colonists to take matters into their own hands — the absolute last recourse of any whiner…
The Little Engine That Couldn’t Without Federal Assistance
Fast & Furious George
My Little Crony
The Indian In The Cupboard Is Elizabeth Warren
And many more.
I think we’ve discovered what Obama is good for: mockery.