Profanity warning.

In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don’t Give A Shit?

HT: Susan Gertson

FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

Iowahawk:

Charges of racism, sexism, and religious discrimination filled the air this afternoon outside the just-completed Cordoba House, the gleaming new $100 million 15 story mosque and Islamic cultural center near the ruins of New York’s World Trade Center, following a tense 5-hour standoff prompted by the mosque’s refusal to host a wedding between a lesbian African-American woman and her blind white transgendered partner.

Over 200 NYPD officers and multicultural crisis counselors were bused to the site to quell the simmering 17-way tensions between Muslim, Black, LGBT, immigrant, disabled, and lawsuit community activists. The scene was punctuated by outbursts of pushing and shoving, including a brief confused intramural scuffle among members of Reverend Louis Farrakan’s Nation of Islam, but the only serious injuries reported was a hernia suffered by a legal aide distributing plaintiff’s briefs. The incident resulted in one arrest, a 7-year old girl who was seen operating a lemonade stand without a permit.

According to witnesses, the standoff began at 11 AM EDT when Eleanor Davis, 38, and her partner Mary Markowicz, 43, entered Cordoba House and requested the use of the mosque for a wedding ceremony. They were escorted from the building, but quickly returned with a 9th District Court of Appeals injunction ordering the mosque’s Imam to perform the ceremony, citing the US Supreme Court’s Kelo and Proposition 8 decisions. They were barred at the door by security guards who countered with their own injunction citing First Amendment religious protections.

Read the whole hilarious thing.

Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody

Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate

Iowahawk, writing as T. Coddington Van Voorhees VII, Intellectual Conservative At-Large:

Summer once again tiptoes in on crepe soles to the eastern extremities of Long Island; affording, as is its wont, fresh opportunities to enjoy the providence of nature and the financial acumen of one’s forebears. Despite the looming spectre of global climate change the lawn is verdant and lush, and my gardener Hideo informs me the hibiscuses are in especially fine fettle. Much to the relief of his mother (if not the household staff) young T. Coddington VIII has returned from Quonsocket Prep and Rehabilitation Center. I am pleased to announce he has made significant strides in overcoming the acute arson disability that so plagued his sophomore academic marks, and thus his matriculation as a member of Harvard ‘15 is all but assured. And, if you will forgive a note of personal triumph, I also find myself in the midst of a career renaissance as the leading conservative thinker on the scourge and embarrassment of conservative extremism.

This solstitial season should then, by all rights, occasion in a conservative centrist like myself a deep sense of satisfaction — if not outright contemptuous pity for the jejune editorial boobs of The National Topsider who some 18 months ago unceremoniously dismissed my services following my prescient endorsement of Barack Obama. Thanks to the good conservative breeding instilled in me by my late father, swashbuckling Topsider founder T. Coddington Van Voorhees VI, I am happily above such base emotions. Living well, as they say, is the best revenge; particularly when underwritten by royalty checks from the New York Times, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and the other top-tier periodicals unintimidated by trenchant critiques of the soi-dissant ‘Tea Party’ idiots. Rather than basking in the deserved status of a conservative man in full, however, I instead find this the summer of my discontent. Each day seems to introduce some new crisis on the world scene with hints of more to come, and one is left to wonder if even our elegant young President’s oratorical and tonsorial gifts are equal to the challenges ahead.

I was visited by one such harbinger last weekend, in the form of a 80-meter Ferretti motoryacht, as I was hosting my weekly confabulation of like-minded conservative thinkers at the old family Montauk estate. Dame Peggy Noonan was there as always, along with the vivacious Kathleen Parker and those two mighty Davids of conservative intellect, Frum and Brooks. We were engaged in a vigorous boys-against-girls badminton match on the south lawn when I espied the aforementioned vessel laying anchor a few hundred yards off the jetty. A quick peep through the old family Dollond spyglass (according to Van Voorhees lore, a gift to Coddington III by some lovesick Nantucket whaling heiress who later committed suicide with a harpoon after great-great-grandpapa spurned her advances) confirmed it was Die Walküre, the handsome 16-cabin personal watercraft of my old friend and EU agricultural pricing minister Kloonkie Von Wallensheim. As delighted as I was to see this grand seagoing edifice, I was equally aghast to see her gleaming white hull now disfigured with some sort of black gooey film…

Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction

Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?

Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming

New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users’ Ears

Words of advice. HT: Maggies Farm.

Well, here you are at your college graduation. And I know what you’re thinking: “Gimme the sheepskin and get me outta here!” Not so fast. First you have to listen to a commencement speech.

Don’t moan.  I’m not going to “pass the wisdom of one generation down to the next.”  I’m a member of the 1960s generation. We didn’t have any wisdom.

We were the moron generation. We were the generation who believed we could stop the war in Vietnam by growing our hair long and dressing like circus clowns. We believed drugs would change everything—which they did, for John Belushi. We believed in free love. And the love was free, but we ended up paying a very high price for the sex.

My generation spoiled everything for you.  It has always been the special prerogative of youth to look and act weird and shock the grown-ups. But my generation exhausted the earth’s resources of weird. Weird clothes—we wore them. Weird beards—we grew them. Weird words and phrases—we said them. So, when it came your turn to look and act weird, you had to tattoo your faces and pierce your tongues.

Ouch. That must have hurt. I apologize.

True, my generation did have some good musicians. But those musicians are still out there touring. Therefore the only piece of good advice that I can give you is, don’t start a rock band. You won’t stand a chance against the Rolling Stones.

It’s my job to give you advice. But all the rest of the advice I’m going to give you is bad advice. I figure it this way: You’re finishing 16 years of education, and you’ve had all the good advice you can stand. Let me offer some relief.

1. Go out and make a bunch of money!
Here we are in the most prosperous country in the world, surrounded by all the comforts, conveniences, and security that money can provide, yet no American political, intellectual or cultural leader ever says to American young people, “Go out and make a bunch of money.” They say money can’t buy happiness. But it can rent it.

There’s nothing the matter with honest money-making. Wealth is not a pizza where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino’s box. In a free society, with the rule of law and property rights, no one loses when someone else gets rich.

Keep reading.

Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report) – Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.

There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when the leader of the pirates announced, “We are doing God’s work.  We work for Lloyd Blankfein.”

The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in dubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis’ work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates forcibly attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted.

“We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual Friday,” the pirate said.

The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, “plus to get our share of the bailout money.”

In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law.

“There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates,” one government source said.  “But if they’re bankers, our hands are tied.”  More here.

Just in case, stay away from California. Just kidding.

A one-woman mission to prove breasts don’t cause earthquakes has swollen into a shirt-straining global movement. Prepare yourself for Monday, the inaugural “Boobquake.”

Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi angered women’s groups around the world on Monday when he claimed that promiscuous women were responsible for literally making the earth move.

“Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes,” Sedighi said.

“What can we do to avoid being buried under the rubble?” he asked during a prayer sermon on Friday. “There is no other solution but to take refuge in religion and to adapt our lives to Islam’s moral codes.”

Women in the Islamic Republic are required by law to cover from head to toe, but Sedighi says an increase in young women flaunting the law — and not the fact that Tehran straddles scores of fault lines — is risking the lives of the city’s 12 million inhabitants.

Jennifer McCreight is determined to prove him wrong.

Since launching the “Boobquake” Facebook page she has enlisted more than 20,000 women promising to show as much cleavage as possible on Monday, April 26.

If the world doesn’t then disappear into an apocalyptic fiery chasm, then Sedighi will have no option but to admit he was wrong.

“On Monday, April 26th, I will wear the most cleavage-showing shirt I own,” McCreight wrote. “Yes, the one usually reserved for a night on the town. I encourage other female skeptics to join me and embrace the supposed supernatural power of their breasts. Or short shorts, if that’s your preferred form of immodesty.”

“With the power of our scandalous bodies combined, we should surely produce an earthquake.,” argued McCreight.

“If not, I’m sure Sedighi can come up with a rational explanation for why the ground didn’t rumble.”

And you can now make that number of Facebook fans 21,000 — and rising fast.

Lest we get too smug, remember we have stupid boobs here, too, with TV shows. Eve “Vagina” Ensler thinks global warming causes earthquakes.

In The Know: Should More Americans Get In On The EZ-Go Juicer Craze?

Of course, Democrats would retort: “It’s your money, but our choice.”

Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'

It’s up to us to finish the job.

Best headline goes to Drudge: “A Date that Will Life in Infirmary”

Pat Cadell, Jimmy Carter’s pollster, called the vote yesterday “Political Jonestown.”

Iowahawk

Glengarry Glen (Cong)Ress

(with apologies to David Mamet)

ACT I.

A seedy, dimly lit boiler room under the U.S. Capitol. A group of hardbitten health care legislative salesmen are seated at grim Steelcase desks, on the phone with prospects.

Steny “The Lawyer” Hoyer
Hello, Congresswoman? Good evening, this is Steny Hoyer calling on behalf of Healthcarewood Estates. According to our records you have been pre-selected to cast a vote for this historic luxury entitlement property. Now as you know spaces for this exclusive opportunity are limited, and I… yes I’ve seen the polls, and… yes madame, I am aware of that. So may I count you as a ‘yes’ then? Hello?

Jimmy “The Whip” Clyburn
Steny Hoyer strikes out again.

Steny Hoyer
Fuck you Jimmy. I was closing billion dollar legislative deals back when you were still peddling asphalt contracts in Charleston. I’m just on a bad luck streak. You wait, when those new leads from downtown come in old Steny will be back on top.

Office Manager Nancy Pelosi
Pipe down you clowns. Waxy’s got a live one in the conference room. God help me, if you assholes screw this up I will bust you back down to the soybean oversight subcommittee.

(inside the conference room)

Henry “Waxy” Waxman
What’s the holdup? Come on Bart, all you have to do is ink it, right here.

Bart Stupak
I… I just don’t know, Mr. Waxman…

Henry “Waxy” Waxman
Bart, please. ‘Waxy.’ I thought we were friends.

Bart Stupak
Sorry, Waxy. I’m just kind of confused about this ‘reproductive health services’ clause.

Henry “Waxy” Waxman
That’s just some standard legislative boilerplate, we can fix it later. Scout’s honor. All I need is one little signature, and a couple of initials here and here, and then we can go celebrate with a drink. I’ve got some very wealthy friends from Malibu I would love to introduce to you.

Alas, the real game is not over.

I had never seen Rick Sanchez until Saturday, when we bounced between Fox and CNN for quake coverage. I was astounded.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) suggested Monday that domestic violence by men has increased due to U.S. joblessness.

Reid, speaking in the midst of a Senate debate over whether to pass a $15 billion package meant to spur job creation, appeared to argue that joblessness would lead to more domestic violence.

“I met with some people while I was home dealing with domestic abuse. It has gotten out of hand,” Reid said on the Senate floor. “Why? Men don’t have jobs.”

“Women don’t have jobs either, but women aren’t abusive, most of the time,” he said.

From Michael Ramirez