McCain-Clinton and Obama-Obama.

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We’d all love to see the plan
– The Sacred Book of Beatles

You’d love to see the plan? Okay, here’s mine. And, yes, I am a “sooper-genius” for coming up with it. If you think about it you’ll know it’s not only right, but that — with a little of that all-American hope for change — Americans will all say,”Yes, we can!”

Look, we all know where this campaign is going and it’s not good. It hasn’t been good for a long, long time and it gets worse by the day. But with a little creativity among the surviving candidates we can still snatch victory from the jaws of wingnuts and moonbats.

Iowahawk, with more hilarious relationship advice from Dear Barry.

Dear Barry:

I try to get along with the people in my neighborhood, but sometimes it can be difficult. Take for example my neighbor “Mahmoud.” Last weekend while I was seeding my lawn, he drove back and forth slowly in front of my house “flipping the bird” from his minivan, which is painted with pictures of bloody corpses and mushroom clouds and “welcome 12th Imam.”  Normally I wouldn’t have given it a second thought (I get “fingered” by a lot of the neighbors), but lately I’ve noticed he has been working on some kind of secret project in his garage with really stinky chemicals. Also, I’ve been getting these constant annoying 3 AM phone calls threatening to kill my kids.

Frankly, I’m sort of worried about the situation, but even the neighbors I get along with tell me I shouldn’t jump to conclusions, and not to make a big deal of it. I don’t want to make waves, but I also don’t want to end up like the Goldbergs who had their house burned down last week. Am I being too much of a “worry wart”? Please help!

Concerned in Northbrook

Dear Concerned:

Misunderstanding and mistrust is a two-way street, and it’s important to ask yourself: what did I do to create this situation? Without thinking, sometimes the things we do can understandably trigger homicidal rage in our friends and neighbors. Put the shoe on the other foot — how would you like it if you had a neighbor who was always showing you up with his big gas-guzzling SUV and manicured hedges?

Before things escalate further, you should take the initiative and invite Mahmoud over for coffee and chit chat.  No preconditions, and maybe you could bring a pie from Bakers Square. While he is enjoying a delicious slice of Boston Cream, let Mahmoud know that you understand his feelings, and you will do whatever it takes to repair your tattered reputation in the neighborhood. As a show of good faith, why not offer him a few bags of fertilizer and fuel for his lawn mower?

Read on.

Scrappleface:

2008-04-19) — Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter and the terror group Hamas, in a joint news conference today, announced they had successfully completed the third round of one-party talks aimed at bringing peace to the Jewish territories that border on the Palestinian state.

In a moment reminiscent of the famous 1978 handshake at Camp David among Mr. Carter, Egyptian President Anwar Saadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin, Mr. Carter today embraced exiled Hamas leader Khaled Meshal then each man kissed the tomb of former Palestinian Leader Yassir Arafat.

While no one would reveal the details of the intramural peace settlement, Mr. Carter noted that the deal is so comprehensive that it’s “likely to meet the approval of nearly every legitimate nation in the Middle East.”

Chris Weinkopf writes about Ben Stein’s new movie, Expelled:

…a searing satire whose critics have largely failed to recognize it for what it is. Instead, they fume over what they perceive as Stein’s unfair treatment of them.

They resent, for example, that Stein’s movie repeatedly associates the unequivocally godless with images of the Berlin Wall, the USSR and even Josef Stalin. They protest the suggestion that evolutionary absolutism poses a dire threat to America’s most-cherished rights. And they decry Stein’s charge that Darwinist thinking led - and naturally leads - to evils like eugenics and Nazism.

Which is to say, they miss the point.

Stein’s film is part parody of, part rebuttal to, the crusading atheists who have risen to prominence in recent years - such as Dawkins, Sam Harris and Christopher Hitchens. And it employs the same nasty tactics they have perfected.Is it unfair to liken all Darwinists to communists? Of course, but no less so than likening all believers to al-Qaida and the Taliban - a popular trope among the New Atheists.

Is it a stretch to argue that academia’s hostility toward skepticism about the Gospel of Darwin imminently imperils freedom of speech, freedom of religion and freedom itself? Certainly. So is the claim that scientists who detect hints of design in their research are “anti-science,” and that those who resent the teaching of atheist dogma as fact in public schools are attempting to impose a “theocracy” on us all.

And yes, it’s a cheap shot to pin the wickedness of Adolf Hitler on Charles Darwin’s writings from a century earlier. But, then, so is blaming every abuse committed in the name of God on religion itself.

For 90 minutes, “Expelled” puts its targets in the same uncomfortable, unfair position in which believers have long found themselves in academia and the media. In turning the tables this way, the movie reveals, cleverly and amusingly, that you don’t need to believe in God to be a zealot.

And zealots of any stripe cannot tolerate mockery, nor do they understand when they’re being satirized. 

Sippican Cottage:

I’m going to hang my arse out in the breeze a bit, and start predicting things.

1. I predict I’ll be way off

See, this is going badly already. It’s starting to remind me of my first To-Do lists:

1. Make list
2. Check list
3. Check off “Make list”
4. Check off “Check List”
5. Lunch

So I acknowledge no one knows nuffin’, and I’m as no one as anyone. But the writing is on the wall for all these, if not in my lifetime, than at least my childrens’. Let’s read it:

1. Practically no one will commute to work. Almost no work will be of a physical nature involving drudgery.
2. Large scale farming will shift to a sort of factory setting. Farm animals will no longer be necessary, as flesh for eating will be generated without growing animals. Continent-sized swathes of the Earth will return to wilderness. Populations will again move toward cities, when the only reason they ever left is conquered: Government corruption.
3. We will never run out of anything important.
4. The world can, and will, support many more people than it already does, as long as they are relatively well off. They will be
5. Things like surgery will become obsolete. Common colds and other humdrum maladies will be eradicated. Life spans will be greatly lengthened

From Stuff White People Like:

One of the more popular white person activities of the past fifteen years is attempting to educate others on the evils of multi-national corporations. White people love nothing more than explaining to you how Wal*Mart, McDonalds, Microsoft, Halliburton are destroying the Earth’s culture and resources.

While the growth of multi-national corporations can be attributed to a number of complex social, economic and political factors, many white people prefer to take the word of two trusted sources: No Logo and AdBusters.

Published in 2000, No Logo has been responsible for more white person “enlightenment” than any book since the burning of the library at Alexandria. By reading this one magic book, white people are able to get a full grasp on the evils of multi-national corporations and then regurgitate it to friends and family.

Advanced white people will supplement No Logo with a subscription to AdBusters, where they will learn how to subvert corporate culture and return it to the masses. Specifically, this means taking ads and redoing them to give a negative message about a product. Apparently the belief is that when other people see this ad, they will be hit with an epiphany that their entire existence has been a Matrix-style manufactured universe.

Fark has a collection of suggested flags for the Nanny State. See them all here.

Jonah Goldberg and Frank J. Fleming:

Ever have someone comment on your job who has absolutely no experience whatsoever at it? It’s quite annoying. Now imagine millions of similarly unknowledgeable rubes constantly heckling you, but now they actually have a say on how you do things and could have you fired for disagreeing with them. If you can begin to fathom how unfair — downright mean — that would feel, then you’ll have some understanding for the plight of the politician at the hands of voters.

A politician’s job is as complex as it is important. Without politicians, the U.S. would be thrown into chaos. They run government, and government is the thin line separating us from animals. Were politicians to fail, our entire nation could collapse. Imagine where you’d be if — for just the briefest of moments — Dennis Kucinich weren’t watching out for you like a hawk.

With so much riding on their shoulders, you’d think we’d want to do everything we could to make sure they’re not disturbed and can give their full attention to their work. Instead, politicians’ jobs are constantly interrupted by callous, fickle voters mewling for attention.

How can you tell when a voter is lying? Easy — see whether his mouth is moving. Voters claim they want smaller government while demanding handouts. They say they hate negative campaigns while their blood lust is conspicuous. They’re basically violent schizophrenics. Is it any wonder some politicians are driven to prostitutes just to experience some basic humanity? Given the constant sniping of the American public, is it any wonder that Hillary Clinton thinks she was under sniper fire?

Even when voters do honestly ask for what they want, as surely as the sun rises they will later punish the politician for doing exactly what “we” asked them to do. One day voters will say, “That country is bad! Let’s go to war with them! Do as we demand, or be punished!” Then the next day, they’ll shout, “This is too hard! It was a horrible idea, and it’s all your fault, politicians! You will be punished for this!” This is the sort of behavior we’ve come to expect from spoiled princes and 3-year-olds.

Scrappleface:

New York Gov. David Paterson, who replaced disgraced former Gov. Eliot Spitzer this month, today added to his previous revelations of marital infidelity, and marijuana and cocaine use, by claiming that he has also sniffed glue, tagged subway cars with graffiti, bet on dog fights, driven with his seatbelt unbuckled while talking on a cell phone and fired several shots from the grassy knoll on Dealey Plaza on November 22, 1963.

At his regular daily confessional news conference, Gov. Paterson played down the significance of his past indiscretions, noting that he’s like many New Yorkers who have experimented with everything from “huffing freon to plotting an assassination at the age of nine.”

“I haven’t tried any of that stuff since the 1970s,” said Gov. Paterson, “with the exception of violating my marriage covenant, of course. But the glue, the dogs, the graffiti, the risky driving, the lying-in-wait for the motorcade…that’s all behind me now.”

This, too, ranks up there with the Gettysburg address:

As a candidate for the presidency of this great nation of ours, it has been my privilege to meet and hear the concerns of voters from across the political spectrum. If there’s anything I’ve learned along the way it’s this: whether they agree with you or not, the American people want candor and straight talk about the issues of the day. That’s why I would like to take this opportunity to have an open conversation about the Gimp I have chained in my basement.

By now, many of you may have heard or read the sensationalized reports about my Gimp, and the alleged muffled screams my neighbors recorded coming from my basement window wells. I frankly have to tell you, in all candor, I was as surprised as you when I heard about these audiotapes because I do not recall being in the house on the various nights when these supposed screams occurred. In all honesty, I’m guessing it probably happened during my league bowling night, and my campaign staff will be happy to check through my score sheets to verify. Also, did I mention I am a very heavy sleeper?

Yes, it is true that I’ve harbored the Gimp in my basement for over 20 years. I first met him outside a youth hostel / squatter’s camp while vacationing in Amsterdam in 1986. Although he was a deaf mute, we struck up a quick friendship and I invited him to join me on my travels through Europe. Together we had many memorable adventures in the late night alleyways of Brussels, Berlin, and Hamburg. Over time I came to appreciate his wise counsel and impressive knot-tying skills, and invited him to return to the United States as my personal guest and spiritual mentor.

I have to admit I had second thoughts once we arrived back in America because the gimp would soon confront this country’s shameful legacy of anti-Dutch bigotry, even from my own grandmother. I remembered as a child Grandma warning me not to eat gouda and to stay away from dikes, oblivious to the fact that my mother — her very own son’s wife — was a full-blooded Vandenbriink from Pella. I had hoped her bigotry would had faded with the years but when I introduced her to the gimp it bubbled to the surface once again. I could see the irrational anti-Dutch fear in her eyes as she saw the Gimp’s wooden shoes and the glistening chrome studs on his leather hood.

Read it all.

The Onion is hilarious.

Hilarious:

An Archbishop of Canterbury Tale

With apologies to Geoffrey Chaucer

1  Whan in Februar, withe hise global warmynge

2  Midst unseasonabyl rain and stormynge

3  Gaia in hyr heat encourages

4  Englande folke to goon pilgrimages.

5  Frome everiches farme and shire

6  Frome London Towne and Lancanshire

7  The pilgryms toward Canterbury wended

8  Wyth fyve weke holiday leave extended

9  In hybryd Prius and Subaru

10  Off the Boughton Bypasse, east on M2.

11  Fouer and Twyntie theye came to seke

12  The Arche-Bishop, wyse and meke

Read it all.

Scrappleface:

As former President Bill Clinton phoned the Rev. Al Sharpton to explain why he has described Sen. Barack Obama’s opposition to the Iraq War as a “fairy tale“, his wife’s presidential campaign moved quickly to capitalize on his remarks.

Sen. Clinton will reportedly hold a news conference next week to decry the lack of African-American characters in fairy tales, and note that her husband was “doing what he could to advance Civil Rights in this arena.”

“Each night, as American children go to bed,” Sen. Clinton will reportedly say, “they hear fantastic tales from which blacks are almost entirely absent. African-American children are made to feel that there’s no place for them in imaginary society. While caucasian children live in blissful ignorance, in a fantasy world that’s lilly, or should I say snow, white.”

Who really cares what a handful of Iowans think about presidential candidates besides the media blabbers and the candidates themselves?

Answer: Iowahawk, who explains why the caucuses matter. Here’s a taste:

If you are a political activist from one of the various non-Iowa states, let me first say I understand the hurt and frustration and resentment you probably feel toward my state, and the overwhelming attention it gets during the campaign season. But I will also tell you that the most important step toward healing is acceptance: acceptance of your own natural insignificance, and the fact that Iowa will always be first because it is the one state uniquely qualified to be America’s official Presidential Sniff Tester.

Let’s look at the facts:

Iowa is a Microcosm of America. A one-day national presidential primary (as some analysts have recommended) would be prohibitively expensive for all but the most well-funded candidates, and make ‘dark horse’ campaigns virtually impossible. Democracy is better served by a small scale contest that allows for grassroots candidates to build momentum, while representing the country as a whole. Luckily, Iowa is an almost perfect miniaturized 1/100th scale model of the United States. For example, Northeastern iowa is filled with gritty and glitzy urban financial centers like Dubuque, “Iowa’s New York.” Iowa’s Missouri River West Coast teems with hi-tech Gay entertainment centers like Sioux City (”The San Francisco of Iowa”) and Council Bluffs (”The Malibu of Iowa”). With its fashionable supermodel nightclubs and machine gun-wielding drug lords, far southeastern Keokuk is our Miami Beach. And, in the center of it all, there is Des Moines, which is famous as “the Des Moines of Iowa.”

Iowa is also widely known as “The Diversity State,” with its vibrant Norwegian-American community and its equally vibrant German-American community, not to mention a growing population of German-Norwegian-American halfbreed mestizos. And, according to the most recent U.S. Census, Iowa has twice as many African-Americans as New Hampshire, and both of them are keenly involved in the political process.

Scrappleface:

The Federal Election Commission (FEC) is expected to rule this week that Sen. Hillary Clinton can no longer receive public funding for a presidential campaign which increasingly touts her experience in the White House with former President Bill Clinton, because the Constitution limits a president to two terms in office.

“When Bill Clinton ran for president, he promised that voters would get ‘two for the price of one’,” said an unnamed FEC spokesman, “so Americans have already elected Hillary Clinton to the office twice. Furthermore, since both the former president and his wife claim her First Lady experience as tantamount to a co-presidency, she has already served two terms and is therefore disqualified by the 22nd amendment from re-election to the office, and so cannot receive public funding for her campaign.”

Iowahawk:

The holidays are a special time for all Americans. It is a time when we gather together with friends and neighbors to celebrate and share the festive spirit of the season. Some of us celebrate Christmas, some Kwanzaa or Eid; others, like my running mate Jeff Goldstein, Hannukah. In my family we gather around the p’canclhu, and re-enact the transmogrification of Loumbogu, the hundred-headed goat-thing of Su’yocra Tantchohg.

But no matter what traditions we follow, this is a time to look back on the many blessings we share as Americans. Like you, I am grateful for our freedoms and opportunities and material abundance. Above all, as a candidate for President of the United States, I am especially grateful for the opponents that our political process has provided me. Let’s pour a glass of eggnog and gather by the fire for a review, shall we?

Read it all.

Pat Sajak:

Lawyers for former Vice President Al Gore have filed numerous lawsuits against Time magazine, alleging a series of voting irregularities they maintain deprived Gore of Time’s “Person of the Year” Award. It has been announced that Russian President Vladimir Putin received the 2007 award, with Gore finishing second.

Details of the suits are sketchy, but one of them accuses certain unnamed Time employees of denying others the right to vote when it was determined they were leaning toward Gore. Rumors have surfaced that one employee, known only as “Chad”, has confirmed those rumors. Another separate suit claims the voting process to be far too complicated to be understood by, to quote the lawsuit, “a bunch of journalists.” Gore’s lawyers are calling for a recount of the ballots in question. They also demand that independent observers from the United Nations Commission on Climate Change be allowed access to any recount procedures.

Read it all.

While getting gas yesterday I noticed the woman next to me refueling her Yukon. She was so petite and the SUV so huge, it seemed she’d need a pogo stick to reach the driver’s seat.

I watched as her gas tab grew to $100. She saw me watching, winced and told me that gas cost only $2.80 a gallon when she bought her heavy iron. Now, at $3.52, she could barely afford to drive it.

I suggested she contact Congress immediately. After all, she’s a victim of high gas prices. When she bought her Yukon, she expected gasoline prices to remain the same. Now, she was facing a stark choice between driving her car or getting coffee at Starbucks. It just wasn’t fair. Congress should do something to help her.

She gave me a strange look and turned away. Ah, there’s hope!